March 29th, 2011

Having a puppy leads to some interesting decorative choices.

Like putting the garbage on the counter.

Barnacle is now roughly as tall as the garbage can, so he can easily stick his head in and grab anything he wants to eat. He usually ends up pulling out paper towel wads and ripping them apart - because he's a weirdo.

I know most people will see this and think, "Why the hell doesn't she just get a garbage with a lid?" Believe me, I've had the same thought process. But, I'm Shaquille O'Nealing my garbage until I get to Germany. Mainly because we're going to have to buy a garbage can when I get there anyway, because our stuff is going to take at least a month to get to us. We'll need a garbage can before that happens and I don't want to buy two garbage cans - because I'm cheap.

Also, I'm working on my jump-shot. Which can be messy when I'm tossing out my egg yolks in the morning.

March 28th, 2011

Barnacle is mean to his friends.

I bought Barnacle this sock puppet about three days ago, and he's ripping his arm off.

I mean, I knew the sock puppet wouldn't last long, but he has such an innocent face. He seems so unphased by his fleshwound. Well, not really, his eyes kind of look like he's in pain but trying to hide it. Little does he know that he'll soon be torn limb from limb.

They really should make dog toys without faces, so you don't feel like a monster when you hand it to your dog and say, "Here, tear this to pieces."

Also, his arm reminds me of Toy Story 2, when Woody's arm is coming off. I hope Socky doesn't come to life and get stolen and subsequently fixed by a giant chicken who wants to sell him to China.

I'm a nerd.

March 27th, 2011

I had a sinister moment in Walmart because of this chocolate.

I ran out of Hershey Kisses, so I needed more, obviously that's a very important task that I got to immediately. So, I went to Walmart and found the Easter candy aisle, but all I could find were mini Hershey Rabbits. I looked around and around for the Hershey kisses, thinking, "I know they have to be here, I know they make them." But, alas, there were no kisses to be found in this aisle.

So, I angrily grabbed the pastel rabbits and my interior monologue continued. "Fine, I'll get the stupid fuckin' rabbits. Who even needs rabbits? They'll probably suck. This is stupid. Might as well not get anything at all."

I walked angrily around Walmart getting other necessary things - like $5 wine - thinking about how all my chocolate eating would now be messed up because I had portioned out 4 hershey kisses per day and now how would I portion out rabbits?! (Also, by portion, I mean this is how many I can eat before noon without appearing like a total cow at work - at least that's the rationale in my head)

As I worked myself into a frenzy about the God damn rabbits, I almost stomped right past another Easter candy aisle. But, my inner candy detector was on, so I caught it just in time to find my holy grail: a giant yellow box full of bags of pastel Hershey Kisses. I almost grabbed the box, but I stopped myself, thinking, "one bag is enough."

I thought about putting the rabbits back, but then I thought maybe I was too harsh with the rabbits, and that if I was feeling spicy I would throw a hare into my chocolate practices.

As a sidenote, I know I could've just went to the regular candy aisle and gotten silver Hershey Kisses. But, getting the pastel ones makes me feel like my constant chocolate eating is festive and thus acceptable.

All in all, I think my stress level has made me a little loopy. Don't you?

March 26th, 2011

I miss my husband. So, the universe sent me his mugshot.

Well, really that's his passport photo - they sent his extra one back. But, seriously, he looks like he just got his picture taken before doing hard time. I'm surprised his shirt doesn't have stripes on it.

The ironic thing is that my husband is an MP, so he shouldn't have a mugshot at all, but it appears he's been practicing for one. I almost imagine the photographer saying, "Ok, now, look as unhappy as you possibly can," before taking the shot.

The thing is, in real life he almost never makes this face. I've only ever seen this face a handful of times. Though, perhaps it is the face he would make while dealing with customs. So, perhaps in that respect it's appropriate. All in all the picture made me laugh, and for that reason, this picture of a picture is my picture for the day. Picture.

Sidenote: I was thinking about framing it and putting it next to the bed, but putting it online is probably enough to make him mad, but not totally crazy mad. Love you, baby.

March 25th, 2011

Day two of a picture not taken in my house. Are you excited?

Well, it may be a bit of a let down because it's a picture of a dumpster. However, I find the sign on it very amusing.

I use this dumpster (located outside of my work) a few times a week. We don't have fancy janitorial staff here in the army, we take our own garbage out - like real men. It's lucky this garbage is on the way to my car, because otherwise my desk would be surrounded in rubbage.

Anyway, I find the sign on this dumpster amusing because who wants to climb into dumpsters so much that they need a sign thwarting their efforts? I also find it amusing because I've seen people climb into this very dumpster, to get crap that people discard from the barracks. So, the sign is clearly doing its job.

Also, what if Oscar the Grouch saw this sign? I would be very upset if a passing muppet thought he was so unwelcome that he couldn't make a home of our fair dumpster. It would definitely lift my day if I could talk to a muppet on my way into work, even if he just shouted obscenities at me as I passed (I assume Sesame Street is censored).

It almost makes me want to put up a sign next to this one that says "But, grouchy muppets can do as they please."

March 24th, 2011

In an effort to not take pictures at 8 pm of things I find around my house, I took one at work, of something I pass by every day.

These pamphlets lay on a table in the common area at work. I snatched them all and ran, pamphlets clutched to my chest, back into my office. You know, so no one would see me doing anything weird, like taking pictures of them.

I put these how-to books in order of humor level. But, to start, I think they are all funny because they appear to be drawn by an eight year old.

Ok, so the first one, "Using Chemical Labels Safely," and the second, "Protection from Bloodborn Pathogens," are funny because they seem to suggest that I work in an office that simultaneously works with a lot of blood, but also a lot of chemicals. Basically it looks like we're making an army of human-clone cyborgs or something like that. I mean, I'm no scientist, but robots run on blood, right?

The "First Aid" pamphlet is funny because it appears that a 74 year old construction worker has fallen over drunk and everyone is upset. Personally, I'm happy that he thought to put his hard hat on before drinking. I think that should be a new law, it would prevent a lot of drunken construction accidents.

"Hazard Communication" is humorous because the woman is holding up a can of gasoline and that man appears to be giving her a talking to and using his instruction sheet as a visual aid. I assume he's telling her to keep it away from fire and/or gremlins. I always forget the rules of the gremlins.

The "Fire Safety" pamphlet is funny because it denotes that a worker at our office would try to put out a fire himself, rather than wait for the fire department. It also looks like that fire is engulfing the building, so the pamphlet is actually encouraging us to be volunteer fire fighters. I don't know about my co-workers, but if we're engulfed in flames I'm getting outside for a better view while that mother burns to the ground.

The "Lifting and Carrying" one is funny because it suggests that I would ever lift or carry anything in the office. That will never happen. You'd be hard-pressed to get me to carry a pack of paper far enough to get it in the copier.

March 23rd, 2011

Nothing really happened today, besides eating Thai food that was delicious but almost immediately gave me indigestion. So, I thought I'd post a picture of what I did when I got home.

When I'm not chasing after Barnacle my feet have been up. However, take note - my pedicure is only one week old and it's starting to chip - annoying. But, that means I have more of an excuse to get another one. Also, I have the beginning of a flip-flop tan line - the product of living in Louisiana.

I'm sure the tan line will fade once I get to Germany, whenever that is.

March 22nd, 2011

Today I found out that I'm still going to be left in the dark as to when I'll get to see my husband. I also found out that it appears to be taking longer than they said it would. To very casually sum up a very bad day, I'm unhappy about this.

So, tonight it was necessary to wear my favorite pajama shirt.

My husband left this shirt here, I presume on accident. It happens to be my favorite shirt of his, I think because it says "I love you." I could send it to him, but instead I'm hoarding it until I get to see him, and on particularly bad days - I've taken to wearing it to bed. Let's just say I've worn it to bed more than once. I may or may not have had to wash it because of how much I wear it.

It seems counter-intuitive to be smiling in this picture. I was trying to think of him wearing it - trying to be positive about the whole thing. Basically, I had to take this picture fast.

I really hope I can give this shirt back to him sometime soon.

March 21st, 2011

My life these days basically consists of work and a dog. So, please don't be surprised that today's picture is of my dog.

I never knew what a pain in the ass puppies are. Barnacle tests my patience a lot, like this morning when he swiped his paw at me and simultaneously scratched my thigh (through my pajama pants) and gave me a nice streaky bruise. I'd show you, but I make it a practice to hide those tree trunks.

Anyway, this picture is proof that there are actually people who like my dog - my dad, for instance. He sent my dog a bag of Bully sticks. They're a kind of bone for dog - and dogs super psychotically love them. It's kind of magical that all I have to do is give Barnacle one and he leaves me alone for an hour unless he has to pee or, well, the other thing.

March 20th, 2011

My Sunday kinda sucked. But, I did get something I've needed since before I moved to Louisiana.

A paper shredder. I have mounds and mounds of papers saved up that require shredding. In fact, I think I have the treaty of Versailles stuffed in my piles of papers, and Georges Clemenceau would be pissed if someone tried to steal his identity.

Sidenote: I like this picture cause it makes the robot look like kind of a pig, with the paper all hangin' out the side of his mouth. You're a slob, paper robot. Get a napkin at least.

March 19th, 2011

Upon leaving the Walmart, purchases in hand, I came across a strange finding in the parking spot next to my car.

This spot was empty when I went into the store. When I came out, something else was parked there: a dirty diaper.

I don't really understand the practice of throwing garbage out of your car window. Perhaps that's why the backseat of my car can look somewhat like a garbage can until I get to a gas station. But, for something like this, I would hope I would have the fortitude to find an actual garbage can before I need to fill up my car.

I know there are laws about picking up after your dog when you walk them. You can't just leave feces wherever you want to. Shouldn't the same laws apply to your baby's poop? Do we need signs up that say: "Please clean up after your baby"? In my head these signs would also have silhouette people holding a baby out who is clearly taking a dump.

I didn't clean up the diaper. Who knows what baby diseases were crawling on that thing. But, I did get the mad desire to run over it - I sometimes am surprised by my weirdo 12 year old sensibility. But, then the 25 year old sensibility popped up, and said it would be a little ridiculous to back up my car and perfectly angle it to run over a dirty diaper. Plus, then I would have shit on my car.

So, I drove off, leaving the dirty diaper behind. But, I was definitely laughing at the idea of it exploded on the pavement because I deliberately ran it over with my car.

March 18th, 2011

The highlight of my Friday night - besides a two hour nap.

Finding the favor from a baby shower a couple weeks ago. Ok a month ago. But the M&M's were still good.

And for those of you keeping score - yes that's Ghost Adventures in the background. I love me some Zak Bagans. I love anyone who can make their hair that douchey and yell at ghosts for an hour.

March 17th, 2011

I forgot it was Saint Patrick's Day until Facebook status updates reminded me. A year ago I would be gearing up for a drinking weekend and probably wearing something green and eating corned beef. This year, I'm wearing a purple shirt, I had frozen pizza for dinner, and the most interesting thing that happened today was this.

Barnacle looks like Dino from The Flinstones. I gave him this dinosaur bone - which came from a T-Rex I unearthed with Jeff Goldblum in the backyard - about two weeks ago. His puppy teeth aren't quite up to the task of devouring it, however, which is evident by the fact that he's still working on it.

He still heroically attempts to rip it apart whenever he can. But, rather than tearing through it like a ferocious monster, his tiny baby teeth just grind at it while he makes a sort of gagging sound.

It still keeps him busy for awhile, and for that reason - I am grateful.

March 16th, 2011

I finally used our only souvenir from Galveston today.

I put our favorite Galveston picture in the frame we bought. I really like both. The only problem is that it makes me miss my husband more - I didn't think it was possible. So, I put it next to my bed so that he can hang out with my love monkey.

I'm attempting to hide my brooding loneliness. I actually thought I was doing better at it when today my officemate told me that it was written all over my face. I turned as red as a stop sign, of course. I'm not good at discussing my feelings - and I found it humiliating that I wasn't hiding my mood even a little bit. It's so sad - but I felt like Bella in Twilight - like a pathetic teenager who falls apart when her boyfriend leaves. To deepen the nerdy pre-teen reference, I also felt like she did when she was shocked that everyone could see how much it was affecting her. I thought I was hiding it better than that. To be blunt it made me feel pathetic. I hope I get better at hiding it - or that I get some good news that lifts me out of this funk.

I really hope that housing list puts us at the top and I can get out of here soon. I also hope I can stop posting such emo posts, for you and for me.

March 14th - 15th, 2011

On March 14th, I spent my evening being a dutiful wife.

I sent my husband all of his movies so he's not super bored - counting the days until I get to Germany. Oh, who are we kidding, he's definitely counting the days. But, at least now he'll be able to pass the sad and lonely hours with movies about zombies and the apocalypse - because those are the kinds of movies my husband likes.

Today, March 15th, was less awesome.

As it is the ides of March, it seems fitting that the day ended in a near death - of my dog.

I put Barnacle in his playpen for 20 minutes. After figuring out he couldn't knock it over or jump over it, he decided to try burrowing under it. I literally have the worst puppy on the planet, and I seriously had to still my rage upon seeing this. I think Barnacle was put on this planet to test my patience, and it turns out I have none. I feel like I'm housing a demon seed who is hell bent on making my life worse.

To make matters worse - there goes our security deposit. What an awesome end to the day.

March 11-13th, 2011

Yeah there's no picture for March 10th. Just imagine a sad Caitlyn driving to Houston and a happier Caitlyn driving back from Houston with her friends in tow, that was pretty much my day.

March 11th was spent in search of alligators - instead the most interesting find of the day was discarded half-eaten pizza on a walmart shelf. Instead of that picture (of course I took a picture of it), you can see my friends who rescued me from depression on my birthday weekend.

Here are Liz and Melissa at Alligator Lake, where we saw no alligators. We did, however, see a soldier fishing while in uniform - which was odd and kind of made me wonder what he was supposed to have been doing but was instead fishing in the lime green waters. We also saw a few turtles.

March 12th, aka my birthday.

I got a sweet Littlest Pet Shop card from Liz, which transformed in a play-pen for cardboard animals. The mouse is the leader, because he is clearly a czar from Russia, and would rule over the other pets. Bow down to me and my silly hat!

March 13th was more sad. After bidding adieu to my lovely ladies I did very little except drive and then scold Barnacle for being a right a-hole.

Thus, my new weapon against him - change in a can. I probably don't use it entirely properly, but if I can't get him to stop barking or biting, or generally being a dick, I shake it and he runs away. Usually.

March 09, 2011

Instead of posting a really depressing picture at the airport, I opted for something a bit more cheerful.

Ski and I had breakfast at BJ's Diner, aka Fellatio's Diner. I wish I could take the credit for the awesome and filthy nickname. But, it was dubbed by others and I'm not sure how widespread it is - but I definitely think the diner should consider a name change.

We had breakfast in order to kill time before saying goodbye - and because I thought he should eat at all the Leesville places before he goes. That is basically: BJ's, Wagon Master, and Mexico Lindo. We got to 'em all - like true gluttons.

I'm not going to go into how much this sucks, because I think that goes without saying. So, just giggle at the word Fellatio for me, and all will be good.

March 08, 2011

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go, I'm standin' here outside your door, I hate to wake you up to say, "Goodbye."

So, kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like you'll never let me go, 'cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again.

Daniel goes to Germany tomorrow. I don't know when I get to join him. I'm kind of upset about it.

March 07, 2011

I actually missed the kraken, so he gets a picture today.

He spent Friday through Monday morning in a kennel while Daniel and I Galvestoned the weekend away, and I sort of missed him while he was gone, even though he's a vicious sea monster from which there is no escape. 

I also felt a little bit guilty for kenneling him for four days, so, after Daniel picked him up we gave him a giant bone which he hid in his new army blanket, because we only purchase military dog accessories. Really it's just a blanket Daniel got when he re-enlisted and Barnacle outgrew his towel.

March 04 - March 06, 2011

I'm allowed this little photo dump because I was out of town for the weekend having a delayed honeymoon. Granted, I don't consider these three days to be our whole honeymoon, but it was still really fun and I got some good pictures outta the deal, so at least you get that much.

March 04, 2011. My husband handed over my birthday present, since he will be away on my birthday - in Germany, and who knows the next time I'll see him. You can't hear my panic/resentment, can you?

It is a white gold claddagh ring with my birthstone as the heart. The band is really delicate, it makes me nervous I'll bend it, so I don't wear it when I sleep. But, it's beautiful and I love it. Now, stop looking at my fat fingers.

March 05, 2011: I set aside my fear of fish to explore one of Galveston's attractions: Moody Gardens Aquarium.

My reward: I saw Shaaaaaarks. It's safe to say that I steadied my panic by taking a million pictures and focusing on trying to get a good one. I took a hellofalot of pictures to get to this one, and I enjoy it. However, the best part of the aquarium were the seals - who were doing flippies and tricks. However, I got zero good pictures of them. Go figure.

March 06, 2011: Getting a good picture of my husband and I is hard work.

A lot of things have to magically fall into place. I have to, first of all, think I don't look fat. That is a huge hurdle - pardon the pun. Then, there is the hurdle of getting us both in the picture without cutting off half of one - or both - of our faces. Finally, we have to surpass my husband's fake smile. I have no examples because I deleted them all - but the expression is one that says "I'm smiling, right? Totally smiling."

Toward the end of picture taking, I resorted to poking him in the stomach before each click so he would laugh, then I would laugh, and that is how we got this picture, with two genuine smiles. I'm a GENIUS.

March 02 - March 03, 2011

In terms of drinking, my Chicago trip can only be described as a Diet Coke Relapse. When I saw these in the store, all I heard was "Baby Come Back."

So, I'm back on the aspartame train. However, you'll notice they're caffeine free. So, I'll be drinking aspartame, but I'll also be really tired all day long. It's an even trade.

Today I noticed a new vice.

Hershey Kisses. Yes, that's 3 bags. I like to grab a few before work to have throughout the day. I don't bring the whole bag, because then I would certainly overflow my desk chair and start resembling Jabba the Hut.

As for the dark chocolate kisses - Daniel bought those for himself. I don't eat them. Because they're gross.

March 1st, 2011

Daniel and I rang in March by trying to tame the kraken.

Barnacle started puppy training. He was, of course, the spazziest dog there. He literally had bloodshot eyes from how much he was straining to get at other dogs - who were barely interested. As my husband put it - he was the kid in class who Just Won't Calm Down. It was pretty embarrassing, but the lady says they get better with every class. I really hope she's right.

Anyway, the picture is Daniel doing part of our homework, working on "leave it, take it." It's my favorite picture because you can just see how much Barnacle Wants the treat. It takes him a minute to get that he has to leave it, but he's getting better. The teacher told us to us it when he tries to bite, I'm also going to use it for when he tries to rip apart the leash - like an a-hole.

I really hope these training classes work, cause I can't take the spazatron being this spazzy for much longer.