June 14th, 2011

Something very interesting happened to me today - hence the early post. I think maybe you should look at the picture before I explain.

My toenail fell off.

Yes, let that sink in. My fucking toenail fell off.

It's one of the grossest and most fascinating things to happen to me. Which is sad.

I'll explain.

If you remember, back on April 26th I took a picture of my toe after bashing it into the door. I knew it hurt, A LOT. In fact, I spent a good five days complaining about it and wincing any time anything came in contact with it. I was worried I broke my toe because it hurt for a good three weeks. But, I suppose it didn't hurt bad enough to go to the doctor - not going was responsible, and oh yeah, forgot to mention, I hate doctors.

Anyway, it turns out that it hurt that much because the toenail died. Well, that's what I'm saying happened because the end of it was black and looked dead - I guess what you call the toenail root was black. I assumed it was just a bruise, but apparently the whole nail decided to give up and heave ho.

Here are the real gory details - I was cleaning myself (a rarity in my unemployed state) and the shower poof thing snagged on the toenail and just like that it just snapped off. Pop! Off comes the whole thing. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt, it just kind of fell off, like a scab, into my hand. Well, rather, it's what I imagine a scab falling off would be like, because I always pick my scabs.

Anyway, I stared in blank horror at the entire toenail sitting in my palm. Yes, not just a section - the whole. damn. thing. I was even more surprised that I wasn't hopping around the shower yowling in pain - which would have been very dangerous now that I think about it. Puzzled by this lack of gut-wrenching, torturous, throbbing pain, I looked back at newly naked toenail bed only to find that it wasn't naked at all. Unbeknownst to me, a new nail was growing underneath the dead nail. It's very thin and softer than the other nails. But, I'm very thankful to this thin, almost deformed nail because I'm pretty sure that the existence of my new Frankenstein nail is the only reason why it didn't hurt like an unholy bitch when the other dead nail fell off. So, thank you Frankenstein nail - you saved me from whining like a baby and probably falling and killing myself in the shower.

Of course, I had to save the nail to take a picture of it for 365, right after sending a picture message of it to my husband (I'm really romantic). So, now you get to stare at it and choke back bile at imagining my toenail falling off. Just picture it. Picture that toenail just coming unhinged like a loose window frame, peeling back from the skin and right into your hand. Picture it, you know you wanna.

Ok, but all that being said, there's really only one way to sum today up. Today my toenail fell. off.


  1. LOL My big toenail fell off in kindergarden and I brought it for show and tell...the teacher was not amused!

  2. also. i hate you.
    er.. hate,