March 29th, 2011

Having a puppy leads to some interesting decorative choices.

Like putting the garbage on the counter.

Barnacle is now roughly as tall as the garbage can, so he can easily stick his head in and grab anything he wants to eat. He usually ends up pulling out paper towel wads and ripping them apart - because he's a weirdo.

I know most people will see this and think, "Why the hell doesn't she just get a garbage with a lid?" Believe me, I've had the same thought process. But, I'm Shaquille O'Nealing my garbage until I get to Germany. Mainly because we're going to have to buy a garbage can when I get there anyway, because our stuff is going to take at least a month to get to us. We'll need a garbage can before that happens and I don't want to buy two garbage cans - because I'm cheap.

Also, I'm working on my jump-shot. Which can be messy when I'm tossing out my egg yolks in the morning.

March 28th, 2011

Barnacle is mean to his friends.

I bought Barnacle this sock puppet about three days ago, and he's ripping his arm off.

I mean, I knew the sock puppet wouldn't last long, but he has such an innocent face. He seems so unphased by his fleshwound. Well, not really, his eyes kind of look like he's in pain but trying to hide it. Little does he know that he'll soon be torn limb from limb.

They really should make dog toys without faces, so you don't feel like a monster when you hand it to your dog and say, "Here, tear this to pieces."

Also, his arm reminds me of Toy Story 2, when Woody's arm is coming off. I hope Socky doesn't come to life and get stolen and subsequently fixed by a giant chicken who wants to sell him to China.

I'm a nerd.

March 27th, 2011

I had a sinister moment in Walmart because of this chocolate.

I ran out of Hershey Kisses, so I needed more, obviously that's a very important task that I got to immediately. So, I went to Walmart and found the Easter candy aisle, but all I could find were mini Hershey Rabbits. I looked around and around for the Hershey kisses, thinking, "I know they have to be here, I know they make them." But, alas, there were no kisses to be found in this aisle.

So, I angrily grabbed the pastel rabbits and my interior monologue continued. "Fine, I'll get the stupid fuckin' rabbits. Who even needs rabbits? They'll probably suck. This is stupid. Might as well not get anything at all."

I walked angrily around Walmart getting other necessary things - like $5 wine - thinking about how all my chocolate eating would now be messed up because I had portioned out 4 hershey kisses per day and now how would I portion out rabbits?! (Also, by portion, I mean this is how many I can eat before noon without appearing like a total cow at work - at least that's the rationale in my head)

As I worked myself into a frenzy about the God damn rabbits, I almost stomped right past another Easter candy aisle. But, my inner candy detector was on, so I caught it just in time to find my holy grail: a giant yellow box full of bags of pastel Hershey Kisses. I almost grabbed the box, but I stopped myself, thinking, "one bag is enough."

I thought about putting the rabbits back, but then I thought maybe I was too harsh with the rabbits, and that if I was feeling spicy I would throw a hare into my chocolate practices.

As a sidenote, I know I could've just went to the regular candy aisle and gotten silver Hershey Kisses. But, getting the pastel ones makes me feel like my constant chocolate eating is festive and thus acceptable.

All in all, I think my stress level has made me a little loopy. Don't you?

March 26th, 2011

I miss my husband. So, the universe sent me his mugshot.

Well, really that's his passport photo - they sent his extra one back. But, seriously, he looks like he just got his picture taken before doing hard time. I'm surprised his shirt doesn't have stripes on it.

The ironic thing is that my husband is an MP, so he shouldn't have a mugshot at all, but it appears he's been practicing for one. I almost imagine the photographer saying, "Ok, now, look as unhappy as you possibly can," before taking the shot.

The thing is, in real life he almost never makes this face. I've only ever seen this face a handful of times. Though, perhaps it is the face he would make while dealing with customs. So, perhaps in that respect it's appropriate. All in all the picture made me laugh, and for that reason, this picture of a picture is my picture for the day. Picture.

Sidenote: I was thinking about framing it and putting it next to the bed, but putting it online is probably enough to make him mad, but not totally crazy mad. Love you, baby.

March 25th, 2011

Day two of a picture not taken in my house. Are you excited?

Well, it may be a bit of a let down because it's a picture of a dumpster. However, I find the sign on it very amusing.

I use this dumpster (located outside of my work) a few times a week. We don't have fancy janitorial staff here in the army, we take our own garbage out - like real men. It's lucky this garbage is on the way to my car, because otherwise my desk would be surrounded in rubbage.

Anyway, I find the sign on this dumpster amusing because who wants to climb into dumpsters so much that they need a sign thwarting their efforts? I also find it amusing because I've seen people climb into this very dumpster, to get crap that people discard from the barracks. So, the sign is clearly doing its job.

Also, what if Oscar the Grouch saw this sign? I would be very upset if a passing muppet thought he was so unwelcome that he couldn't make a home of our fair dumpster. It would definitely lift my day if I could talk to a muppet on my way into work, even if he just shouted obscenities at me as I passed (I assume Sesame Street is censored).

It almost makes me want to put up a sign next to this one that says "But, grouchy muppets can do as they please."

March 24th, 2011

In an effort to not take pictures at 8 pm of things I find around my house, I took one at work, of something I pass by every day.

These pamphlets lay on a table in the common area at work. I snatched them all and ran, pamphlets clutched to my chest, back into my office. You know, so no one would see me doing anything weird, like taking pictures of them.

I put these how-to books in order of humor level. But, to start, I think they are all funny because they appear to be drawn by an eight year old.

Ok, so the first one, "Using Chemical Labels Safely," and the second, "Protection from Bloodborn Pathogens," are funny because they seem to suggest that I work in an office that simultaneously works with a lot of blood, but also a lot of chemicals. Basically it looks like we're making an army of human-clone cyborgs or something like that. I mean, I'm no scientist, but robots run on blood, right?

The "First Aid" pamphlet is funny because it appears that a 74 year old construction worker has fallen over drunk and everyone is upset. Personally, I'm happy that he thought to put his hard hat on before drinking. I think that should be a new law, it would prevent a lot of drunken construction accidents.

"Hazard Communication" is humorous because the woman is holding up a can of gasoline and that man appears to be giving her a talking to and using his instruction sheet as a visual aid. I assume he's telling her to keep it away from fire and/or gremlins. I always forget the rules of the gremlins.

The "Fire Safety" pamphlet is funny because it denotes that a worker at our office would try to put out a fire himself, rather than wait for the fire department. It also looks like that fire is engulfing the building, so the pamphlet is actually encouraging us to be volunteer fire fighters. I don't know about my co-workers, but if we're engulfed in flames I'm getting outside for a better view while that mother burns to the ground.

The "Lifting and Carrying" one is funny because it suggests that I would ever lift or carry anything in the office. That will never happen. You'd be hard-pressed to get me to carry a pack of paper far enough to get it in the copier.

March 23rd, 2011

Nothing really happened today, besides eating Thai food that was delicious but almost immediately gave me indigestion. So, I thought I'd post a picture of what I did when I got home.

When I'm not chasing after Barnacle my feet have been up. However, take note - my pedicure is only one week old and it's starting to chip - annoying. But, that means I have more of an excuse to get another one. Also, I have the beginning of a flip-flop tan line - the product of living in Louisiana.

I'm sure the tan line will fade once I get to Germany, whenever that is.